The Day I Gave Up

I’ll never forget the day I gave up.  I had been struggling for weeks to work my way out of this situation.

It all began during my first term in grad school to earn a master in EE (electrical engineering).  The transition had been hard for me because I had majored in physics at a liberal arts college – two very different disciplines and worlds. 

In physics it was most important to demonstrate a clear knowledge of principles and understanding of theories.  “Show all work,” was a common phrase on tests and homework assignments.  A few points might be lost for making a calculation error, but the main issue was to show understanding of the process.

In EE classes, however, I soon became acutely aware of a different set of grading criteria.  Although it was important to understand the underlying principles in solving problems, it was by far more important to get precise answers.  As a result of this shift in emphasis, my grades in some classes were reeling off the chart…in the wrong direction!  But, by the end of the first term I had begun to readjust my studying and test-taking strategies enough to see a turnaround.  I was just starting to feel encouraged about my academic progress going into the second term when everything began to fall apart.

It took me totally by surprise, but I was about to face the biggest test of my life.  Having received a commission in the U.S. Army through my college ROTC program, I had been granted deferred status to obtain an advanced degree.  One day, when an Army officer was helping me by phone to complete a routine renewal application for the coming year, he suddenly discovered that I had been enrolled in my graduate program in such a way that I failed to qualify for deferment.

I tried to assure him (and probably myself even more!) that this must be a mistake and that I would meet with school officials to get it corrected.  He let me know in no uncertain terms that he hoped so because I was in real danger of being immediately called into active duty. 

I remember being in shock and the panicky feelings that nearly overcame me with this news.  I just could not accept that my life plans were about to be turned upside down like this.  From the time I had been old enough to understand what war and the military were about, I had dreaded the day I would enter the service.  I knew the time was coming, but I was not prepared for it in this situation, and not in this way. 

For several weeks a series of meetings with advisers and daily follow ups to check on my status painfully dragged on.  Finally!  The approval came through.  I quickly completed and submitted my deferment renewal form…but was it in time?

By now it was already spring break, and I headed home to spend a week with my parents.  When I went up to my room, I saw a single piece of mail for me on my bureau.  Brown envelope…”Official Mail”…was this the confirmation of my deferment renewal I was so anxiously awaiting?  Quickly, my shaking hands opened it…was it…?  No!  What I had in my hands was a copy of official orders to report for duty.  I was devastated and could feel the energy drain out of my body. 

I called the office that was processing my deferment request to see what had happened.  They informed me that it wasn’t just me, but that because of the crisis in Berlin, the President was calling up reservists all over the country.  The then Soviet Union had blockaded the access corridor to West Berlin in violation of WWII agreements.

Clearly, this was much bigger than anything I could influence.  Re-reading the orders more carefully, I noticed my reporting date was in August, which meant I would at least be able to finish my first year and have time to prepare. Then a curious thing began to take place.  Within a matter of a few minutes my whole emotional and mental state cycled from one of fear, depression and anxiety to a sense of peace, quietness and calmness about the future.

What happened?  How could I possibly be suddenly at peace after being hit by this bombshell? 

I simply gave up!

After enduring weeks of worry, struggle and a roller-coaster ride of hope and disappointment, I gave up.  But it obviously was not giving up in despair and defeat.  During this same period I had been doing a lot of deep spiritual self-examination, and when I received this latest news, a Scripture verse that I knew well from memory came into focus:  Romans 8:28.  It challenged me to make a life-changing decision.  Because it promised that God works everything together for good for those who love Him, I had to ask myself if I was ready to trust Jesus with my present situation.

So, when I decided to give up, I was relinquishing control of my situation, my plans, and, ultimately, my life.  As a result, I also gave up my fears, worries and frustrations.  Over the years since then, I have countless times and situations needed to reaffirm that commitment of trust.  Not the least of which have been in my health challenges this past year.

How about you?  Have you discovered the “peace that passes all understanding” by giving up and giving control of your life over to Jesus?  Have you found that He is totally worthy of your trust and faithful to keep his promise to work all things together for your good?

Oh, I almost forgot the rest of the story.  A few months after I had received my reporting orders they were rescinded.  The international confrontation with the Soviet Union had been resolved and call up of the reserves was cancelled and I finished my masters program on schedule!

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. – Romans 8:28